How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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