my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You took a bar mat shot.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
