my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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