I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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