he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize