thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
