I don't usually arrange sex via text message
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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