just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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