You're my little dorito
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
