can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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