Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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