I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
