hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
