I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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