I am puke
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
