Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize