So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
