I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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