mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
BRING THE BAGELS
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
