All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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