i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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