You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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