The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
