There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize