Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
