you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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