Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
