My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she smelled like a LAN party
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
don't judge my taste in strippers
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
