I'm gonna have a badass scar
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
