Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
