So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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