i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
