drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
