My hair reeks of homosexuality.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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