you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
