Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
