I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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