i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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