Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
