oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
