haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
