I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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