8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize