Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
