Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
