he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
