I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
