i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
