it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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