i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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