You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
