I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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