Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
