I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
