remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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