it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
