youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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