We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
