i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
