I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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