Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
3pm strippers are depressing
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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